I can't fix anything.
I can't fix much of anything, as it were.
It's beyond me why I let things get to me that have no real factor in the larger scheme of things. You fuck up somebody's relationship, boom, walk away and leave it alone. It's clear what happened.
But at the same time that pattern of fucking people over happens again and I'm left watching the whole thing as if I had no idea it was coming. I could have told people how much they were appreciated but then again I'm too chicken shit to do that, or I'll end up in the position I was months ago and once again I won't be able to fully return from it.
Disappointment is one thing. I have to ask myself whether I'm being irrational. When you break down the entire parts of an issue whether the end all be all really warrants what actually happened.
I can't start anything and this scares me. I can't get back into a mood that I'm quickly starting to wonder about. Was it a distraction or is there something there.
You spend so much time wearing a fur coat and no one bothers to find out if it's silk lined or not.
I'm afraid of people. They make me nervous and I never know how to carry on with them. While it's gotten better, this only counts for the relationships that ultimately mean nothing.
I don't make an impression and better yet if I do it's skewed into something that's off or it's pawned off as a joke.
I feel as though I'm too old for this. It's not cute, and I'd say anymore but it was never cute.
Is the crippling self-doubt a result of this or is it a chicken and egg thing? Am I holding off skill or am I delusional about what actually could be.
I attempted to tell her yesterday because it was at the tip of my tongue, but that day wasn't a day for her and one of my fears rolled effortlessly into the night.
Everything I've bombarded myself with over the past few months has to have a reason. I can't get excited about something knowing that trouble will be right there when it ends.
Has the existentialism gone to far? Probably.
I can't open my mind to anything fresh, and that's something that just can't be.
I've reserved much of myself and in theory that's been a good idea, but what it's left me with might have been the opposite of it's purpose.
