Lodi Dodi.

2012-01-30T14:22:00.000-08:00

Fuck and it seems so cliche.

Children; like having a child and sofie's choice and all that.

Watching it from afar has occurred to me, only I haven't thought past it.

I don't want to let things that seem silly factor into other things.

I didn't wake up until 2. I wasn't able to sleep. I realized that I may have harmed myself forever.

I had a glimpse of that feeling again. Of course I pushed myself off it, but it was nice while it lasted. Of course I'll be back weeks later talking about how that was a farce.

I'm making a mistake in a I can't leave Sean Batemen* behind kind of way. I'm making an expensive mistake. I'll get there only to find out that it's only the same all over and worse even.

Everything is so silly (in a film tone).

but.

2012-01-05T23:34:00.000-08:00

I can't fix anything.

I can't fix much of anything, as it were.

It's beyond me why I let things get to me that have no real factor in the larger scheme of things. You fuck up somebody's relationship, boom, walk away and leave it alone. It's clear what happened.

But at the same time that pattern of fucking people over happens again and I'm left watching the whole thing as if I had no idea it was coming. I could have told people how much they were appreciated but then again I'm too chicken shit to do that, or I'll end up in the position I was months ago and once again I won't be able to fully return from it.

Disappointment is one thing. I have to ask myself whether I'm being irrational. When you break down the entire parts of an issue whether the end all be all really warrants what actually happened.

I can't start anything and this scares me. I can't get back into a mood that I'm quickly starting to wonder about. Was it a distraction or is there something there.

You spend so much time wearing a fur coat and no one bothers to find out if it's silk lined or not.

I'm afraid of people. They make me nervous and I never know how to carry on with them. While it's gotten better, this only counts for the relationships that ultimately mean nothing.

I don't make an impression and better yet if I do it's skewed into something that's off or it's pawned off as a joke.

I feel as though I'm too old for this. It's not cute, and I'd say anymore but it was never cute.

Is the crippling self-doubt a result of this or is it a chicken and egg thing? Am I holding off skill or am I delusional about what actually could be.

I attempted to tell her yesterday because it was at the tip of my tongue, but that day wasn't a day for her and one of my fears rolled effortlessly into the night.

Everything I've bombarded myself with over the past few months has to have a reason. I can't get excited about something knowing that trouble will be right there when it ends.

Has the existentialism gone to far? Probably.

I can't open my mind to anything fresh, and that's something that just can't be.

I've reserved much of myself and in theory that's been a good idea, but what it's left me with might have been the opposite of it's purpose.

have you fixed.

2011-12-22T01:58:00.000-08:00

If talking gets you nowhere, then what.

Going back to the idea of Josie being worried about her mother.

What exactly is it is the question and now I'm at a loss for words.

Completely incoherent and misspelling until the duplex. And that's what I'll call it.

I'm thinking that woman isn't helping and we're not going to get anywhere.

I'm pretty much incapable of loving another and yet that's all too cliche.

It's all such a pitty what I've done to myself at this point. It all feels so inescapable (hey spelled that right).

I get that everything is just a red herring and that I've talked myself into a corner, but it doesn't matter. I'm drowning.

Was it everything? Did I realize that? Can I get to a new-normal?

This feels better, but I've been here before.

Damn this is stupid and I can't even cry about it.

really

2011-12-13T21:23:00.000-08:00

The house is sitting in my closet and I haven't been able to use it yet. Fucking 1964 dream house right there and I can't be bothered to fuck with it.

And then the descent into insanity thing.

Another year in school would be a major step in that it's another year of school. But beyond the whole "yea and I've got an idea bit" I'm not selling much of anything and then there's the whole notion that that whole idea thing is a crock full of shit.

Worst few weeks ever I'd say.

You get to a point where you have to question what race you're running. What's at the end? Why can't I just move to somewhere where it rains from time to time and waltz around in a curly lamb hair coat smoking grandmommies cigs and cuddling and shit.

Dammit.

And that's not even the fun part. The beach was the fun part.

Beyond feeling as though my heart will drop any minute, I feel as though I'm coming out of a deep period of (give it a name) that hopefully will be the top of it. But then again with this trip coming I have to wonder wtf will next Fall be like jobless and schooless, laying around the house yelling at this dog (whom I look a begrudgingly, wishing it were a cat the same way people do with a child's gender).

Fuck.

And on top of all that I've pretty much screwed the whole list of peanut gallery characters into oblivion. You can be so cute but for so long until the (act?) just isn't cute anymore.

Could I do another year in school? Sure, if they pay for it.

Would it be the smart thing to do? Maybe.

I'd prefer to just work for one of the the ones on my list but my fear is that all of this shit will just trail me there and it won't even matter at that point. Nothing will, and that's what scares me.

Beyond the fact that I think I'll end up that guy walking down telegraph with the sweats and the hair, and the thought that I'll be surrounded in whatever shady place I could end up, dead, with cats surrounding me, I think my real fear is the fact that nothing will ever be good enough.

The fact that I can't even visualize shit anymore seems to be either a warning that I've yet to make it out of how deep I've fallen or the simple fact that I've "broken" myself beyond repair.

If that's the case, where do you go from there? How do you repair that?

I can't even end this with a cathartic note either. Though unlike before at least I feel it. It's not some sort of off-end where the fuck is that coming from bullshit.

It's real stuff in words.

As I mentioned, I want to start a fun blog, posting fun crafty, bloggerish things, but part of me feels that would be fake and the other half just says the only thing stopping me is that feeling has already started dragging on me.

And all this felt good for about 4 minutes. Highs and lows.

Bleeeh

2011-12-07T22:32:00.000-08:00

How do you solve what feels unsolvable? The idea that you've put yourself into position you can't get out of and feel as though will drag on you for a while. You'd think with all the thinking you'd put into it you'd be able to escape, but even with that you fall right back into the same mode without fail. Uttering "I can't" won't do and the irony of the whole thing is probably funny. Only I don't get the joke. Pick up my things on the way out and make sure I close the window I guess and all this right before that thing I didn't give a shit about*

The whole thing is like a gift that's been peed on. The shit stinks and I kinna rather not open it.

*I really gave a shit about.

2011-12-01T02:15:00.000-08:00

and yet nothing's changed.

DEAD ANTS.

2010-05-16T10:48:00.000-07:00

It's not as though I didn't try.

At some point you have to sit back and ask yourself whether it's worth it to be in the heap of shit. whether the kind of sick depression you feel outside of the loop is better than the one you feel in the heap of things. I can't handle a taste, and that's probably why I've avoided it in the past. You open yourself up only to get gently slammed, and that was probably the plan all along. the ongoing thoughts have easily become to much to handle and it's hard to return to neutral ground. the question is was it worth it and can I raise myself above anything that's sitting there in the cluster fuck. the problem is I think it will take a while and the stench of the whole thing will be sitting here festering on me like a dying animal. wtf am I talking about here idk? but then again I have to look at the things that have fallen to the wayside and ask again was it worth it.

2009-09-05T13:43:00.000-07:00

2009-07-26T17:09:00.000-07:00

Its always a bit hard to find something to write about, but boy or boy did I hit the jack pot today. I'm, sorta on that high one feels right after an event, the mood when you feel like telling everybody what just happened to relive the whole sorted mess again ( duh right?). Anyway I totally hit someones car (again) today. It totally wasn't my fault you know? like he was all up on the car and like I was soooo in the clear before I pulled out and all. Dionne talk aside, I really hate driving. On that note I did come to the realization that as long as it does not end up costing me alot of my money the whole thing will be a great learning experience, unoe for the FIFTH time I've had a run in with other people and their cars. Anyway. So I start the work for a recreation place ( name redacted) on monday so *yea* me I guess. For the next year and a half my afternoons will be spent babysitting after school kids. I'll say one thing about the ymca they sure know how to pick'em. Nobody, and I mean not one of the people I did the training with had any amount of snark for the entire time I was there and that freaked me the fuck out. I mean you imagine that somewhere there has got to be a company that actually can hire an entire stay of really positive people and these people actually are truly that but this company, what with their appeal to college students is not one of those companies, at least I thought. The good thing is though the girl I got paired with worked with me early on friday and while were there I could have sworn she said "fuck" so hopefully I'm not going to be stuck with a bunch of goodie two shoes all year.

2009-07-19T21:46:00.000-07:00

I'm a masochist in every sense of the word ( I've had to write that 3 times now). I hate the fact that I have to mention *work* twice but, R is having a party and told L right in front of me that she should come, didnt bother asking me if I wanted to come but I guess you get what you shell out. Ok, so I said it I've looked at it in type, so I should probably move on from it. Its one of those thoughts that the reader just rolls their eyes at thinking "what a dumb ass" why am I bothering to read this crap. Anyway, I went to lunch with one girl today and helped write an essay for another, all the while thinking of it more of a chore then fun. Keeping tabs on people so that later when I have that moment of desperation I can reach for the phone and have them right there. Essentially I guess this is how it works.

2009-07-05T22:43:00.000-07:00

I miss couture. I miss Dior Couture and enjoying every bit of each show (this is Valentino btw). With the show coming up tomorrow I hope that Galliano does something that will really get me interested again. the last few years have just been really lack luster in the sense that it feels dated (alicia fucking keys and mgmt for fall 09? No way, this slip in the past few seasons of the show ( mind you the clothes are ok) I think had something to do with the death of that guy because from then on things got really blah) and some of that has to do with the fact that maybe I just got too old to be suckered in by the dream. On this note I also miss tfs, fashion was kind of my undertone, don't know why i gave it up sept the fact there is no money to be had in it, but least with that I had fun as opposed to all the other crap I've been doing for the last two years. Lets hope I return a bit of myself circa 2007ish, in the sense that I can think more about the goals and shit I made before and focus more on fixing them. Not like I wasn't doing it all along but now I have all the unwanted results stored and a bit to use as I move on. hopefully that'll work because I aint go no time for fo fake niggas, i wanna sip crystal with real niggas, from east to west coast spread love niggas and white british baby bitches talk shit I'll count bank figures.

2009-07-04T01:05:00.000-07:00

2009-07-04T00:37:00.000-07:00

I spent the early part at my job avoiding my coworkers. I secretly loved to see what kind of mutant relationship could spawn out my actions, or non actions if you will. Having not told them anything about myself has led me to trickle information for the last 3 years. Typing that out just now makes the whole act seem very infantile. 3 years of avoiding people. Any way I can't go anywhere without creating, or finding, that ideal. The one that I'll avoid the most and have the most awkward stare contests with. Work is no exception to that rule and there I have BMK ( initials). Its funny how when you see the ideals other half they never live up to what you thought they should be with. He came in a year ago around the holiday time with this thing wrapped under one arm and I thought "well thats no good, was this all he could snag?". Then again i've never been one to say the opposite to that. BMK has this certain tone to his voice and a bit of a lisp. At first it was funny, then it was annoying and now its just stuck in my head. I'm taking an art class and BMK out of all the people in the world is in it, so there's an instant conversation starter, if I ever needed one. I'm always in aw of the idea of straight relationships, the idea that nobody is taking these cookies so there is no problem showing them off. He took off his shirt friday while changing at work as I stood behind him. I swear I'm not as covert as i like to think I am and frankly I'm much more of a 12yr girl about these things then I really want to be. maybe he already knows what my angle is and maybe its just a matter of time before things get hairy. After class we were discussing the project about straight angles in which i explained how hard the project was, an ongoing moan I ended by saying and yeah I don't do well with straight angles, I like free and curvy lines. I did not blink one bit before saying it and I added in something I can't recall to clean it up. Honestly I'm tired of creating that ideal or having to deal with that game I create every time a new set of people come in. Its a game I've played forever and it scares me how much its probably defined my idea of what relationships are. Fragmented as this whole thing may have sounded this whole game is a complex mind fuck that I've refused to end out of fear i'll have nothing left to think about in public.

2009-07-01T00:45:00.001-07:00

2009-06-10T10:22:00.000-07:00

2009-06-01T13:05:00.000-07:00

Its like smoking. Nobody really starts the thing unless that was the plan all along and they just avoided it like the plague. I'm referring to socializing on the Internet. At this point I feel like I'm so behind the damn thing and have nobody in my car ( metaphor) to turn around to and say "this is crazy huh?" and laugh about it with only to ignore the fact that it really is a problem. At any rate I guess I always wanted to blog as a place to put random thoughts that I choose not to share in person. I feel like I've lived in my head for umteen years and its been nagging me to put it down in a blog albeit a place that gets no views. Writing things down in the hopes that they'll only exist there on the page is a fanciful game I've been playing for years and I guess this was just the next step. And if you put the rambles of a crazy person aside there will be pretty pictures of men, clothing, women I love ( I'm looking at you Zsa Zsa) among other things, so if you don't stay for the posts featuring my cries for institualization stay for the pretty things.

2009-06-01T13:01:00.000-07:00

really.

2009-06-01T12:56:00.000-07:00

I listen to radio. sometimes unoe, its nice to let the mind do the work rather than have the work done for it and low and behold who is on this weeks twilight zone than miss stephanie weir. I'm mean maybe I'm making a post out of nothing here but bortstein gets FG and wier does this? interesting how that works out.

2009-05-31T19:02:00.001-07:00

a bit about me:
i’m 19
junior in college
i’ve got a Ton of random thoughts
bit of a movie buff random films 60s, 70s, 80s and 90s and a few silent era movies.
i have a thing for the x-men. Storm is a goddess.
i watch WAY to much tv, frankly I ( I switch “I” sometimes, probably a sign of a disorder of some sort) have too much time on my hands.
speaking of too much time on my hands, I’ve got a toy habit. Mostly vintage dolls of the 60s 70s and 80s and action figures (who am I kidding, dolls)
got a thing for 63-69 diana ross, grace Kelly, honey cone, tyrone davis, david ruffin and others just can’t on my toes to well ( shit)
i probably have a unhealthy fascination with anderson cooper ( who doesn’t?), huessein ( the porn actor), flex deon ( the porn actor), corry koons ( the porn actor), joseph Gordon levitt (the porn actor…wishful thinking here). essentially I’ve got a thing for 80s porn, kina sick belive me i know.

i want to travel, mother used to live in beligium so prob. there and finland, japan( lived there for three years), germany, uk, paris ( obvioulsy), india ( really want to do that)